There has been a shift the last few days. Like a shift in my attitude and outlook. I’ve been spending time with God, and really asking myself, Catherine, how are you going to live your life ? Because really there are only 2 choices, live it for God or live in for myself. I haven’t been comfortable with my life for some time now…I know I could have done more for God in the past months.. but I was afraid of failing..and I have been distracted by my own stupid drama. So i have been going back and forth , back and forth, to the point where I don’t even know what my morals are anymore. The one thing that hasn’t changed though is my faith is Jesus, I know he is Lord & that is that. No matter how many mistakes i make, no matter how much of a hypocrate I have been, no matter how many lonely , depressed nights I have that isn’t going to change.
Last night was one of the first nights in a long time that I spent with God. I know that no matter what I do or where I am have been that God still wants to spend time with me and that is what I did…. it was kinda by accident… but not really at the same time :) I don’t know why i stopped spending time with him in the first place really, but last night was a reminder of how awesome it can be. & This morning he was the first thing on my mind. So today, I had a surprise day off work and I spent the day cleaning & listening to my scripture lullabies & today I have had this deep sense that God is preparing me for something… It is amazing how much more confidence and energy I have when I start spending time with God.. It is like I find myself.
Now I need to explain something….I don’t want to give any one that idea that I am a perfect Christian… sometimes I think people think I am a certain way when I am not really that way at all. I sometimes think people think I am this chick who never misses church on Sunday and who thinks about God day & night. This isn’t the case. Actually, I probably have been to church about 5 times in the last 6 months…& I do stuff Christian ” aren’t suppose to do.”- a lot I guess the reason I am saying this is because , it amazes me , that even though i run from God, the moment i decide to rest in him again, i instantly feel at home. That is how I know he is the truth.
Anyway… back to my day… I feel like God is preparing me for something and I started thinking about stuff ….for whatever reason I started thinking about the music industry and the Illuminati ( I don’t know if you know what that is but you should research it) I watched videos on youtube for hours. After watching all that stuff I am in shock… its not that I didn’t have some idea that satanism was in the music industry but when you see it exposed first hand it kinda blows your mind. Anyway, it got me thinking about how ignorant I have been lately. If I know this stuff is going on, If i can clearly see how active Satan is in the world, why am I not trying harder to share the gospel?, why am I being so self centered ? I need to snap outta this self centered feeling sorry for myself crap. I think I have a job to do… I am not sure what it is yet but like I said God is preparing me for something… I think I might be scared, so i turned a bit ignorant, as if I want to pretend like this stuff isn’t happening. I kinda just wanted/want to live my life like everyone else…. but it never works out to well… i kinda try to run from the person God wants me to be, but at the same time I don’t really want to. God has a lot of work to do within me yet. There are a lot of things I need to change, a lot of habits I need to break, a lot of anger and hurt I need to work through, but this is pretty cool… just the stuff I’ve been sensing the last couple days :)
I don’t know if you exist, i hope you do.. but it kinda seems too good to be true. I’ve wasted my time on some jerks, & someday I’ll tell you my stories and you can tell me yours too. I don’t know who you are, where you are, or what your name is… all i know is that if I am going to marry you , you love God & you treat me right. Right now I am 21, and it could be years until I meet you. But I think its cool, that you are out there somewhere, right now… I hope you’re being good :) I’m going to try my best to be good too…
I’m pretty lonely, but I don’t want to just give me heart to anyone anymore, so I am going to wait for you… I needed to tell you that because I need to make a promise to you & to myself. I am going to guard my heart, so that when you come around, I will know you’re the one. I don’t want some cheesy love story, i want the real thing, and I can’t wait to have the real thing with you <3 I have a feeling its going to be a while until we meet because there is a lot that needs to change within me…. but i hope its not too long :)
Love , Catherine.